I would love to know your story. I wonder if there was a high school heartbreak along the way. I wonder if there was that one person who showed up in your dreams. I wonder if there was always “the one” you named as your spouse peg when you played The Game of Life.
The emotional output and anxiety that comes with dating, or not dating, can be exhausting! If left unchecked,
I remember my brain would swirl into a mighty Oklahoma tornado spewing fear, worry, and insecurity as it wrecked havoc on my heart:
Does he like me?
Will I ever find a great guy that meets all the qualities on my “list?”
Does he think I’m weird?
Are we really connecting?
Am I talking too much?
Will he call?
I made matters worse when I put validation on the line.
“If he likes me, then I am worth it.”
And, when my purpose was rooted in getting married (yesterday’s post), I had the tendency to cling very tightly to the tiniest of possibilities.
“If I don’t get married, who am I really? Who will I become? I’ve just got to get married. What else will I do!”
My brain got cloudy. My heart became desperate. And, there was no way I could have made a clear, rational, wise decision. One thing that truly helped me pulled back into objectivity was this, the second way to find the love of your life:
Dating provides an awesome opportunity to get to know someone, gathering information about who they are, how they act/react, their personality, how they communicate, their character.
Gathering information is objective.
It helps to keep the lovey-dovey emotions in perspective.
The end goal, after all, is to make a good, wise decision on the relationship that will impact and direct your life like no other.
In gathering information, these questions helped me identity qualities that were important to me. Maybe they will spark a thought for you as you gather information of your own.
1. Does he have a growing relationship with the Lord? Not just a “yes, I believe in God” answer. But apart from me, does he pursue the things of God?
2. Do we have chemistry? Is there attraction, a spark? Believe me, this is so important. It’s part of God’s sweet gift to us through sex and attraction. Don’t let it rule you, but ensure that it’s there. It often has been the glue holding our hearts together when we want to bop each other between the eyes! If you wonder what God has to say about it, just read Song of Solomon. Oh boy…the love gift between a husband and wife is so special and is an important component to finding the love of your life! “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!” Song of Solomon 7:6
3. Does he validate what I’m saying even though he doesn’t understand what I’m saying?
4. What does his life say about him- apart from me? How does he interact with guy friends? Is he rude and disrespectful? How does he interact with the help staff at restaurants?
5. How do we communicate? Although communication is an on-going learning process, you can generally discover how you work through an issue together at the beginning stages of your relationships.
6. How does he react in stressful situations?
No one is perfect. But, you have to have your eyes wide open in order to see the practical and realistic things about this person.
Take note of consistent and repetitive behavior, good or bad. Uncool behavior becomes an uncool character quality as you see it over and over again.
It’s all about gathering information. In this space, emotional longing and attraction which so easily clouds any type of rational thought lessens in volume. And there’s a bit more clarity.