Faith, Holiday, Relationships

Building a Grown-up Relationship with Your Mom: Pt 2

mom and daughters
My sister, mom, and me: Thanksgiving 2012

Happy Mother’s Day!

I HAVE a mother and I AM a mother.  So, I feel like a DOT in the middle of a continuum:

looking to my left and seeing my life as a daughter

and looking to my right and seeing my life as a mother.

family of boys
Easter 2014

Being a mom has given me genuine perspective and admiration for my own sweet mother ….and I have been blessed way beyond measure.

As a grown-up daughter, I am learning two things in building a grown-up relationship with my mother:

One, it starts with you. You can’t change her or expect her to be any different than she already is.  If your grown-up relationship depends her, you will be disappointed. You can only change you.

Two, it can only grow to the level of healthiness in either you or your mom (see Part 1 post from yesterday).

Building a grown-up relationship with your mom is built on one word:


1 Corinthians 15:10 “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect.”

 1.  Accepting God’s grace first for yourself.  From yesterday’s post:

living grace, 1 Corinthians 15:10

2. Thus, empowering you to GIFT God’s grace to your mother (the true effect of grace).

mom grace, 1 corinthians 15:10

The gift of grace is seen in high-definition by dissecting its definition:

Grace is love and favor that is…

Freely Given

Grace has no expectation of equal exchange saying, “If I do this for her, she should do this for me.”  Grace is not a manipulation to get what you want.  With grace, love and favor are given for free without expectation for desired response or longed-for appreciation or hoped-for change in your mom’s behavior.


Speaking bluntly: You don’t deserve God’s love and favor.  And, your mom may not deserve your love and favor.  None of us are perfect.  Be careful not to expect perfection from your mom.  She may be selfish and mean and rude.  Or, she may be so sweet to the core, but in you there may be a sense of withholding that motivates you to give her love only when she does what you want.


Grace is not based on a point system.  Take off the table that your mom has to earn your favor by keeping your children, sending you gifts, being interested in your day.  The gift of grace can not be earned.

How can you GIFT GRACE to your mom this Mother’s Day?

Love her for all of who she is, not for who you wish her to be.

Take a moment and hover above your mother/daughter scene. Re-enter when you see an opportunity to make a memory with her.

Set boundaries when needed and pull your full significance from your Heavenly Father.

Recount the blessings she puts in your life (no matter how small) and resist obsessing about the irritations and possible injustices.

Listen to her long and way-too-detailed stories with smiling interest.

Be intentional about writing her a letter of appreciation.

Accept with a smile on your face the advice she may lovingly dispense.

Receive all the gushing mama-love without casting it aside.

Apologize for your ugly selfishness.

Remember, you can only do what you can do.  Be wise. Stay in reality of the true potential for your relationship. Building takes time, brick by brick.  So, be patient and make the most of this honoured day.

Grace. Accept it for yourself. Gift it to others.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Amy Ruth, Writer

2 thoughts on “Building a Grown-up Relationship with Your Mom: Pt 2

  1. I so enjoy your blog, Amy. This particular one about mothers and daughters was helpful to me. It has been difficult for me to transition to the role as mother to grown children. I am always afraid of saying something to offend. On the other hand, a mother who has invested her life in her children and wants still to be a part of her children’s lives. It is a very difficult transition, perhaps the hardest if you have been so involved with them. You feel their pain and joys deeply. You want to share life with them, but their natural “busyness” doesn’t allow for that same intimacy. It is the way it is, and it is not new, but it is always new to the mother who experiences this new position

    1. Oh Peggy, I hear you and anticipate the angst in the future with my 3 man-sons. I’m so thankful that God is our Master Teacher and through His wisdom and grace we can learn and grow. Thank you for letting me know how God is teaching you!

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